Frenemies Blog

Silvio Berlusconi Doesn’t Give A F*** (Yeah, We Noticed, Thanks.)

Someone blackmailed Silvio Berlusconi to cover up his dalliances with prostitutes. To FrenemiesBlog, that’s not newsworthy. If he wasn’t getting blackmailed, it would mean he hadn’t taught the Italian people how to do anything during his tenure.

Note: He paid the blackmailers, Giampaolo Tarantini and his wife, $714,000 by the time all was said and done, because Giampolo had helped procure prostitutes for some of Berlusconi’s bunga-bunga parties. The Tarantinis were arrested Thursday. Yadda-yadda

Okay, so the news is in the recorded phone calls that are now being played publicly during the Tarantini trial. Apparently, Berlusconi’s phone was tapped during the blackmail investigation. Frankly, all of this boggles our mind— but here’s a part of a conversation he had with newspaper editor Valter Lavitola:

“I couldn’t give a f***. In a few months I’m going to go away and mind my own f****** business. I’m leaving this s*** country that makes me feel like puking,” he said, according to a report by Italian news agency ANSA.

“I’m so transparent, so clean in everything I do. There’s nothing I could be reproached for. I don’t do anything that could be seen as a crime. People can say I f*** but that’s all they can say,” Berlusconi was quoted as saying.

Ha! Okay, Silvio.

Gather Round Kids, Frenemies Is Gonna Tell You Why Italy’s So Damn Broke.

Frenemies Blog has had it with all this European market crashing. Its embarrassing. Proper countries like Germany have had to give handouts to usually drunk and hilarious, but now just sad-looking countries like Ireland and Italy. 

France is looking BAD today, but Italy is the real horror. It’s the 3rd largest economy in the Eurozone and is going down fast. All these reasons why are confusing mumbo jumbo, so I’m going to give it to you in bullets so you understand, capiche?

This what they’re working with:

• There are only 331 companies on the Italian stock exchange, because most businesses are family owned Mom and Pop’s.

• Most large companies are formerly stated owned banks and utilities.
• Strong guilds stifle competition, and companies don’t do a lot of hiring.
• The labor market doesn’t move, not even immigrants like it.
• And the government is massive and full of Bimbos (oops, shouldn’t be capitalized) appointed by Berlusconi (a moron who can’t fix anything).
• Corruption, corruption, corruption. (Read: the mob)
• Energy costs are high and no one pays taxes. 

So nowwww:

• Italy isn’t growing and debt is 120% of GDP
• Youth unemployment is crazy high (almost 30% of 15-24 y/o)
• Stocks are falling like a knife and Moodys is warning that it will downgrade Italy’s credit rating. 

(Business Insider)

FINALMENTE! The New Yorker Bunga Bungas for 11 Pages

The New Yorker has published a thorough article on everyone’s favorite creepy Uncle, Silvio Berlusconi. I laughed, I cried, I put it on my blog. Here are the highlights:

• Berlusconi may have gotten the term Bunga Bunga from Qaddafi- which means they may have seen each other naked-which is totally unacceptable.
• Berlusconi once told Italians living below the poverty line, “do it my way and earn more money.”
• He has had 24 lawsuits filed against him since he took power in ‘94
• Berlusconi supporters who showed up at his recent trial were promised lasagna and cake.
• Berlusconi was once a singer on cruise ships.
• His current approval rating among Italian women is at 27%
• His 2009 nominations for European Parliament included a a female soap opera star, a lingerie model, a former Miss Italy contestant, and a female reality TV star.
• 95% of Italian men have never used a dish washer.
• Italy ranks 74th in women’s rights- its sandwiched between Gambia and the Dominican Republic (that’s my people, FYI).
• He has a remote controlled volcano in his beach house in Sardinia.

There’s more. Trust me. Just read the thing.

“Massimo Tartaglia had a history of mental illness”

That is why Silvio Berlusconi will undergo face surgery today. This post’s headline quote is the kicker from The Guardian’s coverage. The story ends there because the reporter was laughing too hard to continue typing.

Italian Women took to the streets Sunday, Now Berlusconi is going to trial

Let NPR tell you about it.

Top Italian Court says PM can stand trial

This could be embarrassing, which would be a new thing for Berlusconi. The Italian Constitutional Court says Silvio can no longer argue that appearing in trial would hurt the daily affairs of state. Individual Judges can now decide if they want to see him in Court for any of the cases against him which include charges of bribery and tax fraud.

Don’t think this means the fun will end for our young ingenue, as this measure may be too little too late. Deutsche Welle (Germany) correspondent Megan Williams thinks Berlusconi may still catch a break, even if he faces John Law.

“Berlusconi has in the past faced many charges and has gone to court many times for corruption and tax fraud. But he has never been found guilty of anything so far. And those ongoing trials are very likely to have already expired under the statute of limitations.”

Okay, fair enough, but I still hope anything he says in Court ends up on Youtube.

Web savy Italians hit Berlusconi POW! right in the Tweet.

They wrote mean things about Berlusconi in front of all his friends at the EU in Brussels! How mortifying!

The EU conference had a brilliant idea- lets have a Twitter keyword, #EUCO, and put everyone who is tweeting about us on big screens at our meeting. This will make us feel important.

Italian tweeters thought this was a great idea too- they were like “hey, on Twitter we’re important…” so when their man Silvio Berlusconi got up to say a few words, they bombarded #EUCO with their two-cents and what/not. In 2 hours, they had taken over.

In the words of one Euro blogger, ““Uh oh. Italians have realised tweets tagged #EUCO shown on Twitter wall at #EU Council meeting – expect mayhem”. What constitutes as mayhem? Examples:

“Berlusconi pays for sex, for votes, for mafia protection, for everything he can buy. What he cannot buy will be stolen.”

“Berlusconi is a mafioso but he make laws for be not judged.”

Everyone at the EU, justifiably, thought this was hilarious, so they kept the Twitter going. The fun only ended when an Italian designer started tweeting actual Berlusconi quotes:

“Mussolini never killed anyone. Mussolini used to send people on vacation in internal exile.”

“[I cannot] think that there are so many pricks around who would vote against their own best interests.”

This again proves the point that everyone in Italy knows too well already; no matter what you say or do to Italy, you couldn’t possibly be more offensive to la patria than Berlusconi. Salud!

-The Guardian

Italians cop 7 tons of Iranian explosives bound for Syria

Italy has taken time out from its busy schedule of eating, love making and watching the Silvio Berlusconi comedy hour to commandeer 7 tons of T4 explosives headed from Iran to Syria. The weapons were hidden in shipping containers on a boat docked at the port of Gioia Tauro in Calabria.

Gotcha!

Italian anti-mafia police, who made the seizure, are not sure whether or not the boat was stopped for technical reasons, or because part of the cargo was meant for Italy. As of now, that’s pretty all much anyone knows.

T4 explosives, also known as RDX explosives, are powerful weapons meant for military and industrial use. In the 90s the mafia used these to attack public officials. Now they will be used to embarrass Iran. Iran: If you’re going to send a present, try not to send it through a people whose culture has no understanding of personal bubbles or privacy. Everyone knows that no one gets through Italy without the paisanos copping a feel.